Performance Reviews – A Review in Humour –
Many companies like to make their employees suffer on a periodic basis with something called a performance review. So, you sit with one or more supervisors, and contemplate over questions together for which he already has an answer. You must take part in this process if you want to keep your job or else you are the out caste just like you are supposed to be a part of an Offsite to be “on side” of the so called Team. Better yet, if you ever want to get a raise or a bonus, you’d actually better know the right answers to their questions(which aint possible ever)
However, This is what i did given the below criterion read it as a disclaimer
if you don’t care about keeping your job or you’ve given up all hope on doing well at your performance review, maybe you should opt to make your performance review as hilarious as humanly possible.
For me, since I had decided not to keep my job, I could think of these as my appraisal reverts.
Let’s go over some common questions asked at performance reviews. Instead of reciting the same tired old answers you give each year, you can use some of these answers to liven up the atmosphere. In no time at all, you can have fun cleaning out your desk and filing for unemployment. Oh, some good times await us!
Where do you see yourself going in our company in the next year?
Some possible hilarious answers:
“Nowhere at all. That is why I’ve been sitting in the same position for 5 years.”
“Taking over your job. Let’s talk about the blackmail photos I’ve got at my desk.”
What are some goals you’d like to achieve in the near future?
“I would like to finally figure out how to download movies on my work computer and crack the firewalls.
“I’d like to lose weight, get a puppy, learn how to sew…. Oh, you meant work related goals. I don’t have any of those. Dont you all decide those for me ?”
Do you have suggestions on how to improve employee morale & Team Work?
Some answers that are a little too honest are:
“Yes, stop making us suffer from these performance reviews.”
“Sure, can we stop having so many meetings? most of these can be dealt at email levels”
What can you do to help improve your work performance?
Funny answers include:
“I could show up on time and work and that type of thing. I probably won’t though.”
“Improvement? I am pretty damn perfect, thank you.”
What can we do for you to help you perform your job better?
Some fun answers include:
“I think you should give Reverse Performance Reviews thing a try.”
“You could try giving me less work. I am sure I could do a great job with a few less job duties.”
How would you rate your job performance at our company?
Some good answers could be:
“Hahaha… are you kidding me? Oh, you are serious.”
“Is this graded on a curve?”
What would you say your greatest challenge is at this position?
More fun comments your boss won’t want to hear:
“Oh, the usual… showing up on time, not slapping the customers or my co-workers, finding new ways to sleep at my desk without getting caught.”
“Finding the time to do all my online shopping during work hours is a major challenge each day.”
The above are funny. As for me no i did not get lucky and am still with the company.
Apparently, My Superior was multitasking while he took my performance review and like most of the reviews my answers were not of interest. in a curt yet warm statement he said,
” We are happy with what you doing, but we think there is much more you can do and we expect that better”
All in all, We think by the next review you will be ready for a bigger Role !!!!
Team Smart Tips